i can't let you go

Dear my lovely alligator,

sorry to say that i can't move on. i did tried but you keep on coming back to me. The  reason that i couldn't let you go is simply because of i cant let go things that we've shared for the last 4 years from the day we meet until the day that you leave me (14/april/2010).

Being with you it's like an adventure that makes everyday difference from the others days. the way you treat me, it convince me that i was good enough for someone.... i guess i was wrong because you know, i will never be good enough for you or anyone else. your like the sun and the moon, keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning.

You makes me feel like i'm a princess you treat me perfectly, you care about me so much... but i was too stupid to realize that all i do is hurting you. And day by day without you it hurts so bad, i never could imagine how would i survive without you completely.

There are days where i wish that i could spend a whole day with you. if i have time machine i would paused the day that my hand stroke your cheek at your car because i miss the look of your face when you used to look at me. Your hugged your hugged your warm and gentle hug, i never have a boyfriend that hugged me so tight and so warm, being in your arms feel so right. I never meant to hurts you, you were the last person that i would like to see to suffer. i love you unconditionally. you know what i miss about you? is you sense of caring for me and your smile and of course the way you look at me. Your goodbye .... painful, but theres nothing i can say anymore because it was too late to fix everything and become what we used to be. one thing for sure.. i know you will never coming back to me, the only thing i need to do is let you go and wish you all the best for your life and your happiness.

Your life seems brighter when i was out of your life, i see the smile of you these days but it feels like i don't know you anymore, because it isn't the smile i see when the first i saw you. the boy who wearing a shirt ( i think blue shirt) and jeans, first time that i saw you it was inside a classroom where the parents and the children gather to see a presentation. My love for you was real i wasn't fake any singles thing when i'm with you.

The memories i spend with you was internally important to me, every minutes every second  i spend with you ... i was bless. i know i will never find someone as good as you, but if destiny tell us to be together someday i will be grateful, if we does belong together and this is the way that god wants us to be right now then i'm fine with that because someday we will be together again as one. but if it tells difference that i was glad that you were mine back then.

You know, you were the only boy who see the real me. the one that i really trust. I know things are different now, i don't want to force you anymore to be with me, but if if only you would give me a second chance and openminded and see me with both eyes ....... i will be so thankful.

Oh ibam, my ibrahim arimurti rashad i love you so much. i didn't planned any of this things, i didn't want to hurt you. i wasn't meant to hurt you... i was only trying to be someone that you want me to be but i guess i was wrong. Loosing you were a nightmare for me, i miss the boy that i meet way back then and the boy that was being at 7 august 2009. The one who has a real smiles.

I don't regret anything that spend my time with you... it's all worth it. being with you wasn't dull at all, it was fun and adventurous. The way we talk, laugh, walks,hugged, holding hands .....priceless. you know how much you meant to me.... more than anything that you could imagine. i'm not exaggerating, i don't care what anyone tell or think about any of this, they just some shit that messing with your mind. You were more like a teacher to me, you teach me about life .... that's big bam.  i want to learn so much with you... but then you left and leave me here alone. every night everyday that i go through without you seems like waste-less i don't feel the same person when i was with you.

I know your face, your smile, your eyes, your cheek, your lips, your hands ..... you were perfect for me. i wish that you would listen to your heart more. if you did you will understand me, when you told me " even if you are so fuckin far away your heart will always be my fuckin mine. i love you" when you told the part of "your heart will always be my fuckin mine" its like cursing me because my heart does belong to you. Your heart belong to ..... no one else. i wish your heart was belong to mine again. it seems like i cant think of anyone else except you. i wasn't asking too much but the only thing i ask from you is would you stay? and grow up together with me? is it too much to ask bam?

I'm not asking you to build a house for me or to build a castle... i'm asking can i have your heart back. i know if were back together things gonna be difference, it gonna be the way it should be. only me and you... us 789 :')

but the things say differently ... the fact is we cant get back together and one thing for sure would you promise me to not forget about us? would you promise me that? and please dont forget anything about me and how we used to be, i wish you the best always and i hope you can find a better girl that way way way better than me.

i love you so much alligator

you + me : Love 

i Love you 

all the cute things you do simply tickle my heart